I just want to know, am I the only who feels guilty when I spend money on myself?
I’m not talking about the monthly groceries and other necessities. I mean the very odd dinner date with friends. Maybe some takeaways when the mood for cooking has faltered. A chocolate and maybe a midday snack at work, and very rarely I purchase some much needed clothes.
Why, for the love of my hard-earned money, do I feel guilty for spending money on myself? And then, my inner monologue has the cheek to tell myself that if I hadn’t bought that extra treat I wouldn’t be in minus again.
But at the same time I’m also wondering when did we as a society, and I do not mean everybody, get to a place where we need to constantly scold ourselves for wanting to actually live our lives and not just focus on surviving the next few weeks until the next payday rolls around again. How have we allowed ourselves to be conditioned in such a manner that we are forced to choose a solitary state to save money instead of allowing ourselves to modestly go anywhere else but the office.
I can count on the fingers of one hand how many times I have been out with friends or even visited them at their houses. Because honestly, these days it costs too much even to breathe outside one’s house.
Well this is the point where I start comforting myself after feeling a little sorry for myself. Because, no man! I work hard for that chocolate! Or, even that packet of Spookies.
So why, in my mind, do I think that R5 spent is going to save me from ruin in the middle of every month? Is it because our parents drilled the value and importance of money into our minds? Or, is it simply because it has become exceedingly more difficult to maintain a healthily balanced life?
I mean, I’ve tried living strictly within the confines of my very tight budget, but even then it still does not work! I don’t understand. Where did the supposed extra money go? And why so quickly? When I bought Spookies and Fish and Chips it lasted longer. Make it make sense, please!
But even with all this reasoning. Even with all these petrol and grocery price hikes every month and overnight I still feel guilty for living. There have been many times when I felt, like, maybe I just don’t know how to work with money, but then in a WhatsApp group chat or during one of those scarce visits with my friends they utter the exact same thing. The other day someone said every month felt like Janu-worry. And I wholeheartedly concurred. It’s as if most of us are collectively holding our proverbial breaths earlier and earlier each month.
And if I’m being even more transparent, I’m sure we’ve all had times when we need to decide whether the Handy Andy is more needed than the furniture polish this month. Do I really need eight onions instead of six? Oh, and my favourite, putting the R110 pack of mince back for the R108 pack. Because I’m a sassy saver like that.
I don’t know about you, but this has severely impacted the way I talk to my friends. This may sound very silly, but I get nervous about people suggesting we should do something or go somewhere, and I know I don’t have money for these things. Then you must be a party pooper and decline the invite or, I’ve become so comfortable with saying, “Sorry, that doesn’t work for my budget.”
But in all honesty, it is embarrassing to utter those words every time. But I want to make it clear it is not because I bought a bag of chocolates, it simply is because life is expensive and I want to be able to choose wisely how I make myself broke, when in the month I make myself broke, and why.
Even though I’ve explained all these things to myself in detail, on more than one occasion, it still does not detract from the fact that I feel guilty for spending my money on myself. I have an inkling this is just the way life is going to be for the foreseeable future. Maybe the universe will see it fit to gift me with a windfall, but until then I will indulge in my Spookies while feeling guilty about my bank balance.
